He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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