You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Barsexuality is the new black.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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