I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
