Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Randomize
