Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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