I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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