Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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