The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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