GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
