I just saw a hot homeless man
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
That accounts for only three of the penises
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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