so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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