So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
3 2 1 whiskey
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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