I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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