I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
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I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
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debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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