I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
