I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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