Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
