i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
