Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
