You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
