Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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