What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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