You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
