it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
