I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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