I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
