Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
