Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
