If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
