Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
We need to rekindle our bromance
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
