Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
