oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
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I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
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Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit