Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
