The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
