Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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