And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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