He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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