I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
