I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
