i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
