Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
