I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
