My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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