I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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