I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
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