Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
