I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
