MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I want to fling myself into the sun
COCAINE IS GR8
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
