Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
