sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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