My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
only you would photoshop your dick
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
