Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
