Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
