You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
