I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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