drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
