the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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