On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
